My Help Meet

During the time when our baby was in the breech position, my wife and I were discussing the options for doing a breech birth. We considered all sorts of complications, and we often came to the hypothetical situation of what to do if it came down to choosing a course of action where we could save our baby's life or my wife's life. We talked about this situation with the doctors we saw and with some of our friends. It was always interesting to hear what people's opinions were on the topic. Ultimately, God is sovereign over what happens or not, but I think it is very instructive to think about the principles at work in these types of conundrums.

First of all, I believe that since the situation involves the life and death of my wife, that it needs to be properly framed by reviewing what the Bible has to say regarding my wife's created purpose and her identity in God's eyes. We see in Genesis 2 the origin of the woman's role:

2:20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said,

“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”

Particularly in verse 20, Adam learns that there is no helper fit or suitable for him, and this realization leads to the woman's creation to fill that purpose. Great significance in the woman's being a helper suitable created for her husband is taken from this passage. Look at what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11 in reference back to this created order:

11:3 But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

Paul also directly speaks to the woman's role in Ephesians 5:

5:22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

Based on a quick look at a few passages describing the manner in which God brought women into existence as well as God's characterization of the husband-wife relationship, it is clear that there is an authority structure in the family, and that the husband is at the head. The passages I have cited are not the only ones which touch on this structure, but they represent a good sampling of what is usually referenced on the topic. There are more detailed explanations out there, but I will leave that to an exercise for the reader. :) Also, at this point it is always good to remind everyone that the family government is not designed to be a place for any man to exercise unbridled, selfish, domination over his wife. There are plenty of resources (including the rest of Ephesians 5) which can help a man understand the way in which he is to lead his family. Again, I leave that as an exercise for the reader. For the purpose of this discussion, I am assuming that the authority exercised is done so with all humility and proper biblical restraints in place.

Therefore, the way in which a family operates is not an egalitarian, 50-50, two-chefs-in-the-kitchen democracy. There are distinctions in the roles for men and women, and one facet of those distinctions relates to authority. This, I believe, should be included when forming the context for all family discussions, particularly when such weighty decisions about life and death are involved.

So as my wife and I processed the implications of whether we would choose the child's life or her life (if forced to choose only one), we asked ourselves, what has God called my wife to be? What is her identity in the light of the biblical descriptions of her role?

We remembered that she is first identified as a child of God. Second, she is identified as a helper suitable for me. And third, she is identified as a mother to three children (at the time). Those identities are not equal in and of themselves. The order in which they are listed is also the order of precedence and priority. Her first love is to her God, then to me as her husband, and finally to her children.

In situations like this life or death circumstance, the decision extends beyond her own personal priorities though. As her husband, I am her head, and I will be held responsible for how I lead my wife through decisions such as this. Therefore, I believe that the life and death decision ultimately lies with me because I will ultimately be held responsible by God for what happens. Now please don't take this line of thought farther than I intend. The way in which these "final say" types of decisions are made in a biblical marriage is again something that is covered in other places. Trust me that my authority in decisions like this is not mutually exclusive with my wife's decisive influence. However, what I am saying is that I as the husband must be a foundational and final part of the decision, and this seems to be somewhat counter-cultural.

For our family, I would choose saving my wife because I believe that choice would protect the foundation of my family to the greatest extent. The husband-wife relationship is the core of the family, and the family operates best when its core is healthy. Our three other children need their mommy and daddy to have a strong, healthy marriage. If my wife is no longer with us, the very core of the family is damaged. Everything about family life will be changed and numerous challenges will arise. However, if the fourth child doesn't survive, the family is still intact in the sense that all of the necessary roles remain as they were prior to the incident.

I don't believe the issue here is to avoid a difficult family life. To me, the issue is being a good leader and steward of the family God has blessed me to lead. I completely submit to God's sovereign providence in life's events, but we must remember that this whole discussion was framed in a way which is intended to discuss what principles are at work when we, the created beings, make choices according to the principles as laid out in the Creator's revelation in the Bible. Obviously, the Creator can override the creature's will to suit His good pleasure.

To me, one of the most instructive aspects of this discussion is the way in which it really explores the most basic features of the husband-wife relationship in a manner which rarely happens in our culture.

So there you have it. I, as the husband, am responsible for the decision in this conundrum. And in my case, I choose my wife. After all, she was made to be especially suitable for me. :)